The Second Coming of Toast

2008-12-08T17:28:00.000-08:00

Jesus I vanished again. I always do that. I'm gone for a few months and everyone's life changes around me, its scary as hell.

So since no one is see of read this, here's me and my wife...we are still married and will remain unhappily married until one of us dies I believe.

So many interesting things have happened this year I'm going to have to arrange them in my mind before I put them up here...

2008-09-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

My wife in convinced I create turmoil in my life, whenever there is not any already going on. She believes I need it. I grew up with it and I don't know how to just be happy with the way things are, I need the drama. I need my job to suck, I need my marriage to be falling apart, I need to stress out, I need to randomly get in fist fights, I need to re-associate myself with old friends who I KNOW have probelms, I need to get too drunk and make poor life choices with the occassional completely willing young woman. I need this. I need this???? Really?

My dad is criminal who goes years without speaking to me. When he speaks, he ruins my life or borrows money.

My mom is an ex-junkie married to an alcoholic who hated me most of my life but now needs my help and my money but won't leave the husband.

My grandma is dead and her estate is in shambles.

My mom's 58 year old brother dropped dead out of the clear blue sky for no reason a week ago.

The economy is in the shitter and I'm a small business owner.

I think I"ve fucked my wife twice this summer.

I so don't need this.

2008-09-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

Agios Nikolaus. Born in A.D. 270 in Patara, Lycia. Its part of Turkey now, but back then it was a Greek-speaking province of the Roman Empire.

By that point in history, worship of the old Roman gods had gradually waned in favor of "Sol Invictus", the "Unconquered Sun", he who was born with a halo of light on December 25th. If that last date sounds suspiciously familiar, bear with me, it gets better.

The story of Jesus was already spreading around the Mediterranean like a does of the clap and the Roman emperor Constantine didn't need a weather vane to see which way the wind was blowing.

He declared that Christianity become the official state religion of the Roman Empire (forget the fact he himself did not convert to Christianity until he lie on his death bed, drawing his last breath) cannily combining the existing - albeit contradictory, accounts of the life of Jesus with the mythology of Invictus.

Now this Agios Nikolaus (remember him form the beginning of this story?) the Turkish guy, he was subsequently appointed the Bishop of Myra, where he earned a reputation for charity, benevolence and anonymous gift-giving. Not to mention the odd miracle here and there.

Revered as a saint after his death in A.D. 343, his remains were entombed in Myra until the Saracens invaded in the 11th century whereupon the faithful shipped his bones over to the Basilica Di San Nicola in Bari, Italy. Where they remain to this day.

San Nicola being Italian of course, for Saint Nicholas, AKA, Santa Claus.

When you do the research, you usually find that what the masses believe isn't exactly the truth, the problem is that people today aren't really interested in the research.

Somehow this story relates to why I hate politicians, and is brought to mind by the current presidential race.

I know, weirdo.

2008-08-22T14:53:00.001-07:00

I went to my grandma's funeral today. I was a paul bearer. It sucked. I cried a lot.

I saw my dad today. He had long, white, shoulder length hair. We didn't really speak. He didn't cry. He didn't acknowledge my daugters or my wife.

My full brother Scott, my mom (actual mother) and her 13 year old daughter came with me and my family (wife and three kids).

In addition, my dad's second wife Gretchen and their son Tom came, my dad's most recent wife (they're divorced now) Debbie and her daughter and mom came, and my dad brought a female date. Debbie let us know that my dad had told her that Libby, the woman my dad was with before Debbie, and who was around for about 8-years, had died; she had contracted Hep-C about 18-years ago as a nurse, and now she was dead. I was kind of sad.

So to keep track, there were three ex-wives of my dad there plus a new one on deck.

After the funeral service, he vanished. Good riddence to bad baggage (I've watched Mary Poppins 900+ times).

This was it, I now have no reason whatsoever to speak to anyone on that side of the family ever again.

Wanna see the bruise on my arm?

2008-08-20T19:05:00.000-07:00

i haven't posted in almost a year and i know no one will read this and I am going to selfishly lose it here on this page.

in 1970 my mother was 17 years old, in the 11th grade and pregnant. Her strict catholic parents threw her out of the house and she moved in with my dad's parents. My dad, also 17, and being a stand up guy, dropped out of school and eventually ran away from all of this, leaving my mom and me with HIS parents.

I was born on January 3rd, 1971 and brought home with my mom to my grandparent's house. We stayed here with them until I was 3 years old. Throughout my childhood, my dad came and went from my life as did my mom, but the one person who was always there for me was my grandma.

By the time I was 10 my parents were in their mid/late twenties, my mom was dating a 18 year old and my dad was gone again. The only person interested in being anything like a parent to me was my grandma.

Between 10 and 18, I went through multiple homes, schools, step-moms and court ordered living arrangements. My father hated my grandma because I loved her so much and at times forbid her from being around me. My mother hated me for being my father's son and he hated me for so many reasons I couldn't begin to list them here.

I am not a momma's boy or a daddy's boy, they both resented me for ruining their lives; I have always wanted them both to love me like I THOUGHT a parent should love their son, but it just never worked out, it just wasn't in them. I don't know what it feels like to feel safe with your parents or to have that emotional safety net, aside from my grandma. She was the only person who loved me unconditionally.

She could never help me physical things or with money and I never asked. She just loved me. She taught me to remain positive no matter how bad it got, and at times it was very bad for me. Most of the things that I dealt with as a kid I've kept to myself; my grandma always said these things weren't hurting me as much as they were strengthening me and my character. I love her so much for that perspective.

She died yesterday, and I am absolutely crushed. I can't believe I am even typing those words.

I am grown now with a wife and three fantastic daughters but I can't help but feel like I've just lost everything. This is just so horrible.

2007-10-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

1. No idea where my dad is or if he is alive. Last I heard from him was when he text messaged me asking for $2000 and I texted back "no". Since then, nothing.

2. My mom's husband of 15 years has fallen off of the wagon, is once again a RAGING drunk and is moving out of their house into his parents house (he's 46 years old mind you). My mom and 12-year old sister will be left to fend for themselves. My mom hasn't worked in 13 years.

3. The check my brother wrote me for rent bounced...hence all of the checks I wrote for the bills to his building bounced too. Joy.

4. Still haven't had sex with my wife since the baby was born...5 months ago...

Life is really kicking the shit out of me lately. Thank goodness for my kids.

The Unbelievable Insanity of Me

2007-10-16T17:26:00.000-07:00

About a week and a half ago, Thursday, I received a phone message from my "step-mom". The message said my dad was in the hospital and I needed to call her. I ignored it. She called my house and I answered the phone.

"...the doctor's can't rule out that he had a stroke".

That was the phrase I remember hearing. Quickly the background; Dad is 54 years old. He was abusive to me when I was a kid. We have been estranged several times in my life, sometimes for years and years. He is a con-man and a thug. He has been married upwards of 8 times. Currently we are not fighting though we are not exactly hanging out with each other.

I went to the hospital Friday, I did not go t work. When I got there my only full brother (I have half-siblings) was already there. He speaks to my father even less than I do, but there he was at my dad's bedside.

My dad was in a hospital robe, on his back, an I.V. in his arm, staring straight up. He couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't eat. He was apparently in tremendous pain (they were using the "blink once for yes and twice for no" method of questioning) and vomiting involuntarily and sporadically. They had taken him off of morphine (not powerful enough) and moved him onto Dilaudid and Torodal for the pain and 3 other drugs for the nausea, apparently it wasn't working. He looked old. His long hair wasn't dyed black right now, it was a dirty sort of gray/black mix. He was thin and sinking into his bed, his breathing was labored.

They had done a spinal tap to check for meningitis, it came back negative. They couldn't get him into the MRI because of the vomiting. They had promised a neurologist was on his way.

For 2 days he didn't speak, he didn't move. The doctors wanted to know everything, unfortunately my brother and I knew very little. We knew he had said he had been diagnosed with macular degeneration in his eyes; a disease where you develop a blind spot, or missing spot in the middle of your range of vision...a "skip" in your view...that "skip" grows over time until you are blind. My step-mom said she couldn't get his eye doctor to give her any info, so I called him.

The doctor explained that my dad had only been there once, although he scheduled 3 appointments over the last year, he only showed for one. The diagnosis was simple, he had blurred vision, nothing more. "Are you absolutely sure?", he was. My dad did not have macular degeneration. As usual he was a fucking liar.

Saturday the neurologist showed up finally. I was there with my step-mom were there to speak with him. He explained he believed there was pressure, probably due to swelling inside his skull. He switched my dad off of the narcotic pain relievers and onto steroids.

By Sunday morning he was in less pain, not vomiting and was in the MRI machine, although he was not happy to be in there and was now capable of letting everyone know how pissed he was.

My step-mom had been there with him, all day and all night, each day and night since Thursday and it was now Sunday. It was now that they came to tell him the results of the MRI, it was now that he could walk (barely) and speak (one/two words at a time). It was now that I was not there and the doctors explained to him about the "growth" on his brain.

I don't know exactly what happened next, but I do know he left the hospital against their pleas to stay.

The next day I got a phone call from him. He was cordial. He was calm. He explained the hospital stay and the talks with the neurologist as if I hadn't been there and as if he was not catatonic during this period. He explained that over this weekend he found out his wife had been cheating on him with the piano player in her jazz quartet, he was divorcing her, he had moved out, he did have a new house, but he couldn't tell me where just yet, he'd let me know when the time was right. He actually said that, "when the time was right", like a spy...my dad had a secret location and I wasn't authorized to know where. Oh yea, he still had a growth on his brain...we didn't talk about that.

Two days later I received a text message from him.

"Don't freak, I need some short term cash, two grand should do, no one can know"

I responded in a text message, letting him know he shouldn't freak out either, but "no" I couldn't lend him any short term cash.

Yesterday my grandmother said my dad had stopped by her house on Sunday and taken her out to a nice dinner at a very fancy restaurant and then drove her to his new house. It was very far away, and she didn't remember where exactly. She also let me know that he was getting a divorce, apparently his was had gone crazy.

I never heard from him again after I returned the text message with a "no".

Tonight I got a call from my step-mom. She called to let me know that my dad accused her of poisoning his dog and cheating on him with his doctor. He hadn't been home in two nights, she didn't know where he was.

I told her, very nicely, that I have received many of these calls over the years, from the distressed soon to be ex-wife, explaining her desire to still remain friends with me and my family after the demise of their marriage. I explained that would not be happening and told her she go on and do what's best for herself and excused myself off of the phone. We hung up.

My dad is insane. There were so much more here, but I only wanted to hit some of the highlights. I am so distracted right now, and angry.

There is every chance that my dad is on the run right now; from who or what I have no idea. He can't stop lying and he will use what he knows about me to try and manipulate me but that doesn't work on me anymore. I won't help him anymore. The difference this time is that the next time I see him the growth on his brain may have won and I may be paying for a funeral, which is fine by me.

2007-10-02T08:04:00.001-07:00

So the last few months, pretty much since our newest daughter was born, my wife and I seem to not be having our typical knock down drag out screaming matches. We disagree, but the wild fights have subsided. I guess you could say we are getting along, and even when we're not, its a quite sort of simmering anger.
.
The other thing we haven't been doing aside from fighting is having any sort of sex. The word, "none" comes to mind here. So we are not fighting and we are not having sex, but we are being friends and talking to each other and hanging out with each other (aside from the entire month of September when Bob was in town).
.
I feel like we're just friends. She isn't angry with me and I'm not complaining to her about the lack of sex, there isn't a lot of tension or anything, we're just pals. The problem is I do get horny, and I jerk off constantly and day dream about getting blow jobs from every waitress or cute woman who passes in front of me, but not from my wife, because I know she isn't interested (she has stated quite plainly that she just has no sex drive right now).
.
Is this it? Is this how the rest of life goes from 36 onward? It doesn't seem like this is how it should be, but technically, we are getting along, which is way more than I could say even 6 months ago.
.
fuck me. No, literally, someone please do....
.

2007-09-18T19:50:00.001-07:00

Can you really come from nowhere and having nothing and build yourself up to a place better place than you ever imagined?

It doesn't matter, because deep down, you'll always know the truth, you'll always know you're nothing and nothing can ever change that.

2007-09-05T17:22:00.000-07:00

Um, I know this isn't a proper blog entry, its not about me at all, but this is so fucking shocking I HAD to write about it.

Apparently back in January of last year, it was rumored that the Wachowski brothers (pictured above) - who wrote and directed "Bound" and are most famously known for the Matrix trilogy - were actually the directors of "V for Vendetta", but they chose to take their name off because at the time Larry Wachoswki was undergoing gender reassignment. And yes, you read that right. He was in the middle of a sex change operation, and they wanted to avoid the media as much as possible. And it wasn't the first weird thing Larry had ever done. He also famously divorced his wife to start a relationship with a dominatrix named Ilsa Stix. So, if you're keeping score, he's now a woman, but a lesbian woman.

Um...ok....so these are the "brothers" now....

I have no problem with this, in fact if you've been living your life inside of the wrong body and have the resources to make the change you need, by all means go ahead and do it, but did any of you have a clue? I've always thought of these two as action adventure manly men type guys, their next film is going to be a live action version of Speed Racer for god's sakes, they seem very "manly" based on their film choices. Oh well, that's all for now.

2007-09-01T14:25:00.001-07:00

SORRY I'VE BEEN MISSING IN ACTION.
I WILL BE BACK NEXT WEEK.
I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A GREAT HOLIDAY WEEKEND.
PLEASE ENJOY THIS REFRESHING VIDEO WHILE I AM GONE.

2007-08-21T13:30:00.001-07:00

I don't have much to report. My mom is still a mess, my relationship is back to the point where I am sleeping on the couch in the living room (which is fucking C O M F O R T A B L E ) and the roof of a building I own is leaking like a sieve onto the tenants. I went to this cool restaurant last night called the Roma Cafe in the Eastern Market section of Detroit. It is the oldest continually operating restaurant in Detroit. It apparently started as a boarding house in 1880, and the mother of the guy who owned it would make meals for the boarders. Her cooking was so good that they turned it into a cafe, and it has been one ever since. All of the waiters were 90 year old Italian men in tuxedos who just seemed generally annoyed that people wanted them to wait on them. It was cool. I'll let you all know when my marriage ends, my step-dad drinks himself to death and I get sued for multiple reasons from multiple people...oh yea, and I lose my job (there's a chance that might happen too! WHOOPIE!!!).

2007-08-16T07:11:00.001-07:00

I really like her stomach...I mean I love her stomach, holy shit. She's beautiful also, which helps, but god damn. Ok. Now to the depressing shit.

My mom's husband of 15 years has fallen into alcoholism, HARD. I've never known him to be a drunk, maybe he has been this entire time and my mom's just never mentioned it, but she's mentioning it now.

He is not going to work, he is taking an entire bottle of vodka into his bedroom, drinking it all and passing out then waking up and going to the store and buying another bottle. He is a stumbling drunk.

He apparently isn't mean, but he's still drunk and he has fallen so far so fast my mom doesn't know what to do.

I have an 11 year old little sister who is witnessing all of this and she wants him to leave (its her dad) because he's so out of control. My mom began going to Al-Anon meetings last week to try and find some advice. He is in pain from some sciatic nerve injury and uses that as an excuse to drink. He isn't happy in their marriage and uses that as an excuse to drink. He uses everything as an excuse to drink.

I told her yesterday that she can always bring my sister to my house and move in with us until she figures out what she's going to do. It would be cramped, but we'd manage. She doesn't want to leave, she loves him, she wants him to get better and stay...but that may not be an option.

I am perplexed by this all. I have had by all accounts a shitty childhood, I have a rocky marriage, I am prone to depression, have spent tons of time in a counselor's office, have no family support system and yet drinking non-stop to ease the pain has never been an option. I also have a heavy history of alcoholism in my family (aunts, uncles, my DAD, great uncles) and have thought about hitting the bottle while I'm crying to myself but DON'T because I know I have people who depend on me to just soldier through the shit.

I am furious, but I can only offer my mom help, she doesn't want me to go over there and beat them man into sobriety, she's specifically asked me not to (knowing that would be my gut reaction).

On top of this, my mom and I have never had a very good relationship. Over the past 5 or 6 years my family has become closer with her and my little sister, but not me, not really. I was taken away from her when I was 12 because she was doing certain things that made her an unfit parent. When I was kicked out of my dad's house at 17 and had nowhere to go she wouldn't take me in. When I put myself through college she stole money from me. As I said, the past half-decade we've been fine, but not "close", and now this.

To put a cherry on top of this, last night my wife and I had a blow out fight. I told her calmly that the way she treats me, specifically how she is treating me right now, is why I don't want to be with her, that I don't want to be with her right now because of this, to which she replies "fine, I don't care" in the snottiest tone possible. The entire fight was rooted in the fact that she was in a pissy mood the second she walked in the door because her best friend is moving to Germany and it upsets her, so she unleashes her anger at me. I have enough shit going on with my work, my house, my family and now my mom that I don't need to bear the wrath of my wife especially if it has nothing to do with me. I am at another cracking point I believe.

When I restarted this journal and said it would be fun to watch me fail, this is what I was talking about.

Now I have to leave, I have a root canal scheduled at noon.

2007-08-14T05:42:00.001-07:00

How ridiculous am I? Here's an example. I play pool every Monday night with a friend who I've known for going on 20 years now. We start around 8 or 9PM and I am usually home by 11:30 PM, nothing crazy. We shoot pool, I drink 6 or 7 gin and tonics and we go home, usually in time for the Colbert Report.

Last night was no different; we got there around 9 PM and had been playing pool for about an hour and a half, when somehow we got on the topic of where two roads intersected (Telegraph and Dix/Toledo Rd....for those of you who might know the area). These roads were in a part of the state we call, "down river", and not at all close to where we live or play pool. Eventually the friendly discussion turned into a bet, which turned into an unplanned, middle of the night road trip to the Michigan / Ohio border using only surface streets, no freeways, because we were looking for two roads to intersect (I was actually looking for them NOT to intersect), so we had to drive the entire course of one road until it ended...which happened to be at the Ohio border, about 2 hours later. I won. They didn't cross. Or at least I thought I won until I looked at a map this morning (we didn't have a map on us last night, hence the road trip). THe roads don't intersect, they merge; the road we were on absorbs the road my friend thought intersected the road we were on and since we were driving south, and the other road came down from the north east to merge with the road we were on and there was no signal at the merge, we missed the merge all together. So now I don't know if I won. I mean, the roads DID meet, just not at an intersection...and they really actually merged, not crossed...so I don't know...man am I tired...

2007-08-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

Because Karl Rove has decided to resign, I thought it would be prudent to take the "Chances of Surviving a Zombie Attack" quiz I found on Pud's blog; obviously the only reason that Satan would give up his seat at the right hand of the president is because some huge world altering event is about to happen, and he has to go do some planning. Seriously, in 6 months when we're all astonished with whatever cataclysmic event has taken place AFTER Rove resigned you guy's will all be screwed while Pud and I will be prepared to fend off the reanimated, irradiated corpses of our friends and family members because we had the presence of mind to realize Karl Rove walking away from his position of power was an early indicator of some sort of apocalypse.

97%

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

2007-08-09T06:24:00.000-07:00

"I got my period! Did u get yours yet?" Probably one of the best text messages I've received this year. The anime girl in the drawing even has red hair...

So the point of this whole exercise is that I should masturbate with internet porn more and get drunk in public less. The combination of only having sex with my wife a handful of times in the past 18-months and me being out on the town drunk resulted in some very bad decisions which resulted in my panic attack. As I find myself saying often, about numerous different things, "I will never do that again". It's always fun to watch me fail.

2007-08-08T05:31:00.001-07:00

This is my new favorite thing. Don't get me wrong, my real favorite thing still is receiving blowjobs, but this show is more reliable (its on every Sunday night at 10:30 PM). Its on HBO and you should watch it this Sunday night.

There, I'm talking about something else other than the thing I had been talking about.

If you like music and great stuff, you'll love this. If you don't love it, then I don't understand you and you worry me.

I forgot to mention that I had to fire an employee last week, and even though it was a long time coming, it sucked. He was a young kid, like 24 years old, and he just couldn't focus. I had given him every chance in the world but he just couldn't do it. I am a ridiculously laid back boss, and will really try to work with anyone as long as they're making an effort. He's been with me for over a year, and at his last review when everyone else was getting a 6% raise because we've been doing so good, I gave him an insulting nickel raise and told him he needed to get his shit together or he'd be fired. He tried a for like a month and then promptly went back to his unfocused way.

When I let him go I gave him the phone number for a friend of mine who owns a machine shop and needed some janitorial help. Thats a pretty good firing; your boss who is firing you sets you up with another job....right? Anyway, my buddy hired the kid and the kid was 10 minutes late his very first day...he was 5 minutes late his second day, and I told my buddy he should let him go and forgo the impending pain this kid would bring, so he did. The stupid kid didn't even last 2-days.

In this shitty economy in the metro Detroit area you'd think people would be working hard to keep their jobs, but some people just don't care I guess.

2007-08-06T05:17:00.001-07:00

Well, sex has lost its appeal for the foreseeable future. I mean, blow jobs and cunnilingus are possibilities, but intercourse is a little off putting just now with the prospect of another child as a product of the fucking.

To think that my entire life, everything, every aspect of it could change with just one drunken slip of the cock is more than a bit scary.

I never liked fucking. I like oral sex. MY parents were 16 and 17 when they had me, and as a result, when I was growing up, all my dad ever said to me was, "you better watch where you put that thing, you get some girl knocked up don't come cryin to me". He was sure I was going to repeat his high school performance and what came of it was I never had intercourse. I finally lost my virginity to a girl I had known since kindergarten, and it was only after she spent years convincing me it was all going to be ok and we were not going to be having any kids.

As an adult, that disinterest in intercourse has continued. I will gladly spend 3 hours on screwing around and foreplay, but fucking makes me nervous. The good news is that because of the lack of interest in fucking, I got really good at cunnilingus. So that's a plus.

Twice this week my wife made advances towards me, which is unheard of, and only once did I respond and even that time I didn't let us fuck, we just got each other off.

I keep waiting for the call from that girl letting me know she's been feeling nauseous in the mornings...

2007-08-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

I soooo just deleted those last two posts...do I know the answer to my nagging question? Nope. Nuthin I can do about it now either except wait. I hope everything turns out fine, but if it doesn't I guess I'll have to deal with it. In the meantime, here are my 90210 sideburns with my baby.

Um, I'd Like this PLEASE.

2007-07-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

Holy fucking shit I don't know how to spell or pronounce Michelle Trachtenbrurgersonalski's name but anyone out there looks even remotely like her I'd like to pay you for sex. Is that solicitation? I don't think it is, because that would be illegal, and I don't do illegal things. So again, send all fo your, "I sort of look like Michelle Trachtenburgessmerideth" photos to toast@youmustchoose.com and you could earn some money towards college tuition or your coke addiction or whatever (again, so NOT solictitation, I'm just a jokester [seriously though, send the pics]).

2007-07-27T12:29:00.001-07:00

If anyone would like some I just produced like a quart of it.

2007-07-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

So I was a good Samaritan yesterday. I love it when I get portray a role popularized in the bible, I think it really suits me.

I watched the car in the lane next to me try and speed through a red light (that I stopped at) and subsequently hit a car who was attempting to turn left directly in front of us.

The red light runner hit the passenger side rear bumper of the other car which was in good enough condition to continue on with her left turn and pull over to the side of the road and park.

Normally I wouldn't have stopped and helped, but the car that ran the red light paused for a moment, THEN LEFT. So I, being a fucking genius, followed it, long enough to get the make, model and plate number, and then drove back to the scene of the accident and pulled up behind the car that had been hit.

The driver, who was a 28 year old blonde woman, who unfortunately weighed about 220 lbs, was thrilled I stopped to help, and kept on calling me her guardian angel. That coupled with her crucifix around her neck, her fish logo on her car and her license plate holder that read, "Jesus is Lord" really made me feel good about myself and my decision to stop. She continually expressed how lucky she was to have me there, who was "so positive and upbeat" because otherwise she would be falling apart right now. I told her I got the make of the car and the plate, and that yes, I would wait for the police to arrive. It took about a half an hour before the cop car showed up.

After I gave the cop my info I went to leave the woman leaned over and hugged me and said one more time, "thank god you were here, you're my guardian angel", and I looked her in the eyes and said, "I"m not your guardian angel, I'm just a normal everyday atheist, any other atheist would have done the same thing for you", and walked to my car and left. I felt a lot better after getting that off of my chest. Hail satan.

2007-07-24T05:28:00.000-07:00

Well, aside from my daughter turning 10 on Saturday, nothing much happened over the weekend.
.
I could go over the highlights of my normal life, but they're disjointed and although meaningful to me, not so impressive in "story" form.
.
I reconnected with another friend I haven't seen or heard from since high school, off of MySpace.com of course. All I use that for is finding old friends from high school, and its good that way.
.
What I've noticed is that out of the dozen or so fiends I've "found"on myspace, none of them are crazy, evangelical Christians, but ALL of my current, suburban friends ARE that kind of crazy. I wonder if the people I grew up with are just smarter, more confident people. or if its a regionally influenced phenomenon .
.
It always comes back to religion with me, I don't know why. Hail satan.

2007-07-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

Steve left the party with Dennis around 1:30 AM to go get more beer before the stores all closed. Dennis was 21, Steve (and the rest of us) weren't. On an abandoned stretch of road in Rouge Park, the car he was riding in flipped over, ejected him through the front windshield and then landed on him. The driver left the scene of the accident, walked home and went to bed, unharmed, without calling anyone. Steve's mom called all of our houses the next morning asking if anyone had seen him. Left lying under the car all night, Steve had slowly bled to death. They found him the next morning.
.
Jim's car died half way up the freeway exit ramp in the dead of the night. Derek and Jim got out of the car and decided they should move it off of the ramp,. since it was pitch black outside and someone could try and exit the freeway, come up the ramp and get into a horrible accident with the stalled out car just sitting there. Derek pushed from the driver's side and steered the vehicle while Jim pushed from the back. A car did come and exit the freeway. It crushed Jim between the two cars doing 75 miles an hour and never hit the breaks. Jim died from his injuries. Derek survived, but he's never been the same since.
.
Joe was shot in the stomach by someone settling a debt.
.
John was killed with a claw hammer to the back of the head, and then robbed.
.
Scotty rented out a room in his house to someone through an ad in the paper. He came home from work one day to find this room mate's friend's partying in his living room without the room mate even being home. When Scott asked them to leave, one of the partiers stabbed him 27-times with one of his own kitchen knifes. It was a closed casket funeral.
.
Kevin committed suicide by shotgun.
.
Denise hung herself.
.
Mark was found by his little boy at home, with the TV on but the lights off, he had overdosed on booze and pills.
.
Chrissy dated my buddy who lived across the street from me all during high school. After graduation they broke up and she ended up marrying some guy 10 years older then her that none of us knew. They recently had some money problems. They both lost their jobs. They were evicted from their house. The solution was apparently obvious only to her husband. He drove them to Hines Park, parked the car, shot her in the head and then shot himself...a murder suicide.
.
I just found out about Chrissy today. All of the others have happened over the years. These were all my friends. Good friends. All from my old neighborhood.
.
Yesterday I thought I saw Chrissy on the freeway in the car next to me. I hadn't seen her in a while and I tried to get her attention, but couldn't, and thought I'd just email her when I got home and ask if it was her. Apparently It wasn't.

2007-07-19T07:53:00.000-07:00

I still know the girl who I lost my virginity to, and no, its not my wife. I met my cherry taker in kindergarten, and she was the first girl I kissed way back when I was 5-years old.
.
We went on through grade school together and in 7th grade, we finally became official boyfriend and girlfriend. Her family was as different as could be from mine. Not only were her parents still together, her dad was a cop. Regardless of the fact that he was an asshole, both of her parents liked me, and treated me well. She was a nerd and as conservative as could be. I was a unkempt trouble maker, and the bad-boy that she shouldn't be dating.
.
Her and I broker up sometime in junior high, but remained friends. Awhile after I was transferred out of the high school we both attended, we ran into each other, and soon afterwards began dating again. It felt right, comfortable. I felt like I had regained my spot in their family, and I liked that. I didn't have much of a family or a home life, so their acceptance meant a lot to me.
.
After high school, she went on to MSU and I got kicked out of my house and went to a local community college, we continued dating. I made the drive up to East Lansing from Detroit as much as I could, at least twice a week, and the following year, I moved up to State also.
.
Our relationship was rocky at times, we broke up and got back together a lot. We both fooled around on each other throughout the years, but we always worked it out. We dated all through college. Our senior year I bough her a ring and she said yes.
.
After graduation, she took a job for Kimberly Clark in New Milford Connecticut, I took a job back in Detroit. We said it wouldn't change anything between us. We were being stupid.
.
When she called me to tell me she had found someone new, and was sending me my ring back, I was crushed beyond words. She had been my one steady thing throughout growing up, and in the fucked up crazy world of my home life, she was the constant, and now she was leaving for good.
.
It took months for it to really sink in. I was a wreck. I didn't function very well for a while afterwards. Depression hit me hard and things were falling apart. Eventually, about 9 months later, I began to date again, but no one seemed to work for me, I wanted someone who was just like my ex, and I wasn't finding that.
.
Eventually I met the girl who would become my wife. I fell in love with her quickly and after about a month, she was pretty much living with me. Two month's into our romance, I got a call from my ex.
.
She was wrong. She realized that she had made a terrible mistake, and she should be with me, we were meant to be together. She was leaving her man, quitting her job, and moving back to Detroit from Connecticut (with no job prospects or place to live) and was going to win me back. I said no. I told her don't. She came anyway.
.
The next few months were spent dealing with a stalker. She would sit in her car in front of my house. She would call and hang up when my girlfriend would answer. She had become unhinged.
.
Eventually she got a new job, and the stalking slowed down. I got married and she disappeared.
.
Years later I would run into her somewhere, and we became friends again. She had found a man and married him. She had two children, she was ok.
.
Over the years we have kept in touch, mainly by email, at least once every few months. Her life has been a strained one. She had had affairs and dabbled in having a steady girlfriend on the side. She had always been a very conservative person, straight A's, no messing around, very serious. I was her bad boy, I was her outlet. She had married an accountant, someone who was by every outward appearance, her perfect match, but she needed something different. She has experimented with drugs, with bisexuality and younger men, she still does today all without her husband knowing. She emails me to talk about these things, because no one else would understand, I am still perceived to be associated with her dark side.
.
We've never fooled around or anything while I've been married, in fact its never came up. She just vents to me about all of the horrible things she does now in her unsatisfying existence. I feel bad for her. I am writing this because I haven't spoken to her in a while, and I had a feeling today that something bad has happened to her, which may be true; also, I needed a serious blog entry, so why not this.
.

2007-07-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

In honor of the fact that today a judge approved a $660 million settlement between the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles and more than 500 alleged victims of clergy abuse thereby creating the largest payout yet in a nationwide sex abuse scandal I am going to provide you with what could be the most anti-catholic / anti-christian video I have seen so far this year. I think its fucking hilarious, as it is intended to be, but those of you who may still be considering the final resting place of your mortal souls may not want to click play...hail satan.
.

2007-07-16T06:46:00.001-07:00

I graduated high school 18 years ago. Who gives a fuck? Not very many people apparently, especially not anyone from my “graduating class”. Just to bring everyone up to date very quickly, even though I have explained it before in my old blog, I went to grade school, junior high school and MOST of high school with the same group of people but over Christmas break in 11^th grade I was transferred to a new school in a new city in order to avoid prosecution (I shit you not). What this means is that I graduated with a bunch of people from the suburbs that I didn’t know, and do not attend their high school reunions or associate myself with that school. Whenever my original high school has a reunion though, I apparently attend it, but that opportunity doesn’t present itself that often.

Take for instance, this year. As I stated, I graduated 18-years ago, which normally wouldn’t be a reunion type of year, but we didn’t have a 15-year reunion, and apparently the prospects of a 20-year reunion didn’t look too hot either so an alternative event has been planned; A “group” reunion. This class reunion will be for anyone who graduated from said school in the 1980’s. Apparently there was so little interested in having ANY reunion from any graduating class from this high school, the safest best was to cast a VERY wide net and see who they could snag.

The only reason I attend any of these events is because my close friend Bob, who I have been friends with since we were 12, loves these events, and I go with him. I don’t ever actually get invited, since I am not technically a graduate. I admit it’s interesting to see how everyone turned out, but the novelty wears out quickly. In a lot of instances it’s a time to either show off or reignite old grudges; always very classy.

So this September, Bob is coming in from Los Angeles and we will be attending our 1980’s Class reunion. I will have pictures I’m sure. Maybe I’ll try and get some naked white trash, 36-year old women shots with my camera phone for you guys. I know, H O T.

2007-07-14T09:17:00.001-07:00

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

2007-07-13T15:33:00.000-07:00

I just decided right now that I am going to try and begin a suite of paintings depicting our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ doing normal, everyday things so as to better illustrate that he was not just the omnipotent alpha and omega that sits at the right fucking hand of god in judgement of all of humanity, but that he was also just an ordinary, dirty, stinky fucking man, just you like you stinky fuckers. I think this shows his humilty as well as mine.

Jesus said, "Whoever finds the world and becomes rich, let him renounce the world".

I have no fucking clue what thats means, but I'm sure he's indirectly referring to QVC, that's why this first sketch (which will ultimately be turned into a painting, so hold your horses) is entitled, "Jesus Uses the Remote Control in the Kitchen to Change the Channel From The Home Shopping Network to QVC" PLease bear in mind that I just drew this with a golf pencil I found in the junk drawer in the kitchen in under 5 minutes. Call it a revelation. Think of how great it willl look in full oil painted fucking color. Hail satan.

2007-07-13T07:51:00.001-07:00

Its Friday the 13th. This probably isn't the best day to be talking about something that, if it was read by the wrong person, would lead to a fight with my wife. Fuck it, hail Satan.

Let me talk about something very intimate. My sex life.

I don't have one right now. I haven't had one THIS YEAR.

I could really, really use a nice vagina to lick for an hour or so. A blowjob would rock also.

At this point whoever else is involved with these two action items happening (aside from myself) is completely up in the air. I know the other person won't be the woman I am married to, she just isn't interested in sex right now, and wasn't while she was pregnant either.

Don't get me wrong, I love jerking off to homemade internet porn, I mean it really is great, but I am a man with a huge oral fetish and I simply cannot lick the pussy on the computer screen with satisfactory results.

Ok, time for a lunch break.
.

2007-07-12T06:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry it took so long for the words portion of my post. It has been so long that I thought it required an entirely new post instead of inserting new words into a 4 day old post.
.
Well, we were "up-north" for a week, and it was fine. My wife and children had a blast and I was ok with the whole thing. I don't normally like the woods, or the out of doors, but I was really happy to see my kids laughing and having fun and I got to hang out with my best pal Eggs everyday (he lives in northern Michigan in the woods), so that was nice.
.
We rented a cabin on a lake in northern Michigan and my wife's best friend and her family rented the cabin next to us. They have 2 kids relatively the same age as 2 of our kids, so that worked out great for all the kids.
.
Aside from randomly running into my wife's best friend at my house sometimes when I come home for lunch, I really only see these people once a month when 4 couples get together for a monthly dinner party (all the wives know each other and are friends). So once a month, for about 6 hours, we hang out, and its always a decent time...but spending an entire week with them in relatively close quarters (their cabin was about 15 feet from ours) was a completely different story.
.
First off, this couple is British. This has no bearing on me, but it does on this little story. The husband is a traveling salesman of sorts for an automotive supplier, and the couple has moved all over the world and lived in Mexico for years before coming to the USA and both of their children were born in Mexico (which technically makes them Mexicans, right?). The wife is a stay at home mom / runway model...I shit you not. She is 6' tall, about 110 lbs and admittedly very attractive. Both have heavy British accents and this week showed off just how British they truly are.
.
That thing that brought out the snobby, better then you because you're an ugly American attitude was the 4th of July holiday. Apparently this is a sore spot for the Brits. The husband asked me to explain what exactly the Declaration of Independence was, and when I did, he explained that it was an illegal document that no other nation should have recognized, was treasonous and that all that signed it would have been hanged if the USA would have lost the revolutionary war, which by the way, we only won because the French helped us in an effort to further hurt the British empire. WOW. Um...ok. I couldn't really argue with most of what he said, but so fucking what? This couple with his apparent disdain for our American attempts at creating "quaint villages in order to mimic the towns of Europe" (he stated on more than one occasion how horribly we've failed at this) and the temper tantrums unleashed on unsuspecting shop owners in northern Michigan when they didn't understand such common "English" words as, "iced-lolly" (Popsicles) and "serviette" (napkins) suddenly turned from friendly to unbearable. At one point an angry lecture to a 58 year old female 7-11 cashier included such fun questions as, "I feel like I'm in a third world country where no one speaks English...aren't Americans SUPPOSED to speak English? Do you speak Spanish possibly?" (she didn't).
.
This was all too bad, because this woman IS my wife's best friend, and even my wife felt like she had spent WAY TOO MUCH TIME with her, and it had possibly damaged their (up until now) good relationship. In the British lady's defense, she seems to become more snootily"British" when her husband is around and she is pregnant, so her hormones are all whacky. There is no excuse for the husband, turns out he's just a pompous dickweed; who knew?
.
Regardless of how much fun we did have up there, we were glad to leave the Brits and the fold out beds behind and travel back to the urban jungle...well...the suburbs.
.

Pictures Now...Words Later

2007-07-08T18:43:00.000-07:00

2007-06-30T04:55:00.000-07:00

I'll see you all in a week or so. I'm going to go poop in a hole and cover it with a cat (I've never done this before, is that right Bostick? It doesn't seem right...).

I have my camera packed, so hopefully I"ll have some pictures of nature and bigfoot and shit for you when I return. Here is an OLD post from my last blog in the meantime...

Its 1989 Baby
In 1989 I was a student at the prestigeous Henry FOrd Community College in Dearborn Michigan. One of my courses was Drawing 101 (I don't remember the actual course number, but you get the point). This was one of those classes I took for an easy, transferable 4.0 because I could already draw just fine at the time, better than the professor actually. Growing up in and around Detroit, I had submerged myself in the underground music scene that was dominent during that time. This was the mid to late 1980's, and we were punks with painted on jackets long hair and chains. The underground scene was a loose knit family made up of artists, musicians and weirdos, luckily I was all three.

I digress; in drawing class my closest friend Bob and I (his blog is the top one over there on the right) noticed one fellow student in our class that stood out, one that was more interesting than even us (hard to believe isn't it?). She was a short, thin girl with long black hair, a nose ring, 4 dozen or so ear rings, super tall black KISS boots and skin tight pants, I was instantly drawn to her. Bob and I introduced ourselves on the second or third day of class and she seemed glad to meet us and was responsive to our attempts to befriend her. I can still remember her first invitation to her house, "Do you wanna come over and check out my beat off mags? I have a HUGE collection". What an odd thing to say, but of course I said yes. Bob couldn't come for whatever reason, but I traveled to her house in Detroit where she lived with her best friend from high school and several cats.

Her house smelled like incense and vanilla and was everything you'd expect a goth chics house to be. This girl had more piercings on EVERY part of her body than anyone I've ever known, and this was over 16 years ago when a man with one earring in got noticed. She was 26 at the time and I was only 18, and I think I was somewhat of a toy to her. That day started a long friendship which was often semi-sexual. Her housemate, a boy, who she'd known forever had a strong attachment to her, and was nice to me, but very protective. She had an old ex-girlfriend who was still hanging around and hated my guts.

The world she brought me into was even more underground than any I had been in before, but I loved it.It was no secret she liked to be portray herself as the whip bearing dominatrix, although she never had gone so far as to incorporate it into our relationship. One day though, she asked me if I could drop her off someplace, wait for her and pick her up like an hour later, of course I said no problem. I brought my school books with me and studied in the car while she went into her friends house. When she came back out she said she had one more place to go to, gave me $75 cash, and asked me to use my hand to make her cum while I drove her to her next stop. I obliged her, waited another hour in the car, got another $75 for my time and a blowjob on the way home.This is how I became a driver for a female escort and dominatrix.

I never really considered her my girlfriend, and we had never had actual intercourse, so I was fine with this arrangement. It paid $75 an hour cash, and I usually only had 1 or 2 stops 3 or 4 days a week, I got to study while I waited and I got to hang out with her. I got her off a lot while I drove, I think I liked that more than the money.

Well, eventually I had to leave for MSU, I had gotten accepted and was not staying in Detroit. She didn't take the news very well, in fact I think she threatened to stab me...a lot. Regardless, I moved away and didn't see her for years and years. I graduated, got married and had a baby, but still kept my secret lust for the dominatrix with me.

I can't remember how it happened, I want to say Eggs showed me the coffee table book of a photographer in San Francisco who shot only women in fetish gear. Regardless, I saw the book and buried within the huge glossy pages of photos were several ppictures of my dominatrix girl, just how I remembered her.

Throwing caution to the wind, but not wanting to intrude on a life in progress too much, I wrote a letter and mailed it to what was in 1989, her address. It was at least 10 years gone, so this was a long shot.About 5 months later I got a call on my cell phone from a number I didn't recognize the number, and when I answered it and I knew the voice immediately, it was my dominatrix girl.

We talked and were happy and things were good. It was nice to hear her voice and especially her giggle. I had an upcoming art exhibit and she came to it. She was no longer the same girl now though. Her hair was cropped into a bob and red, her clothes were no longer black and leather, she was still tiny, still gorgeous and she was now a peronsal trainer, and her body was a temple.It was great to see her and see how she had changed so much over the years, one thing had not chanmged though; even though she was well into her mid-thirties (at the time, this was over 5 years ago) she still had a little 18 year old punk rocker boy (probably from the suburbs) in tow behind her, catering to her every whim. I saw him and it made me laugh to think I was that very kid just over a decade earlier.

2007-06-29T05:48:00.001-07:00

I am going on vacation with my entire family of 5 plus the dog. We are driving 5 hours north, because in Michigan, if you drive north 5 hours, then you are on vacation (unless you are already in the upper peninsula when you start driving, then if you drive 5 hours north, you're in a different country).
.
We will be in the woods next to a lake. I normally hate woods. I like concrete and parking blocks and buildings that haven't been occupied in 22 years, not trees and clean blue water. The air doesn't smell when you're in the woods, at least it doesn't smell like it is supposed to. Also, we will be in a "cabin" next to my wife's best friend's family. They are British. All of my wife's friends are from different countries. She is so very international. I will be in the woods with my entire family and a British couple and their British kids and their British dog for a week.
.
I'm bringing my bike. My plan is I can unpack, then go for a bike ride at the end of day one, and then just bike back home. I should be arriving home by the end of the week just as my wife and kids are arriving home after a week's vacation. I won't be blogging for this week, so don't think I've vanished again, because I haven't, I'm just riding my bike back home from up north and that shit takes time.
.
This is going to be great.
.

2007-06-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

I love the show Dirty Jobs, with Mike Rowe, and I know that my fellow blogger Erin O'Brien also loves that show...but mostly for the Mike Rowe part. So I recently discovered that before Dirty Jobs, Mike was a salesman on the QVC...very odd...Erin these are for you;

2007-06-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

I have found my religion. This is not by any means the entire text of my faith, but merely excerpts. I feel I am a part of this. I feel this has been who I have been my entire life. I hope you all see this and see the truth. I hope you all see this and accept the truth. I hope you do not deny the truth and hence fall victim to the mass culling of your species who are known as the unbelievers. Wow...is this how the Christians feel? This is really powerful stuff knowing you're personal vision of existence trumps all others!!!!

2007-06-22T13:05:00.001-07:00

The end to another fucked up week. I am glad its gone, but the ramifications are going to suck.
.
My newborn needs a hip brace on for the next 8 weeks that basically covers her entire body and makes it feel like you're cuddling with a giant Velcro sack that cries. I feel bad for her, she needs this brace to help her hips which are apparently loose.
.
I may have someone who wants to buy my house for what I would consider "fair market value"...which isn't really for sale...but in today's market in Michigan, if you have a buyer, you mine as well take advantage of the fact that you can purchase a property at about 75% of its value from a year ago and upgrade into a nicer place, which we may expectantly do.
.
I may be getting a visit from the girl who gave me my first blow job who I haven't seen since high school ended. She found me through mutual old friends and www.MySpace.com and is comiong back into town from where she lives now to hang out with her family for the weekend, and she's supposed to call me so we can see each other. This could be eventful. :) I'll keep you posted.
.
I need to go home and practice some sweet moves now.
.

Can You See Jesus?

2007-06-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

WOW! I CAN see Jesus! Holy Shit!

2007-06-21T08:27:00.001-07:00

I am not going to lie, its been a hard fucking time the last few months, hell the last year itself. In between my home life falling apart and all of the drama that came along with it, my grandpa began his final decline towards the end, and I got really involved in helping him and my grandma over the last few months. If you've read my last blog, you have some idea that I have always been involved with my grandparents, they were more parents to me than my actual parents...anyway...in the last week he was alive, all of a sudden 5 of his 6 kids showed up to suddenly take charge. One of them hasn't even been in Michigan within the last 20-years, but they all had the, "thanks for doing all of the heavy lifting, but we're here to take over now, so you can go...your tip is on the dresser, you can grab it on your way out:" attitude. Needless to say, it was infuriating. Within a few days of him finally passing, they were all gone and my 83 year old grandma was left alone in her house without the man she had been with for nearly 67 years. Taking care of her is back to being my concern and my concern alone, but that's the way I like it.
.
Then there was of course the birth of my baby, Lily Rose. It was a wonderful event and she is healthy and happy and her two older sisters love her dearly. With all of the awkwardness and weirdness going on at my house, she brought with her a sense of calm and focus that has stabilized things and honestly, my wife and I haven't fought in what seems like months (more like weeks).
.
I still feel like I need a change. I will probably make that change, I just don't know when or how drastic its going to be. As always, I could really use a blowjob from a strange woman.
.
I will blog everyday now I think, maybe more...I'll probbaly blow my blog load early on and then slow down over time.
.

3 BLog Entries in 6 months

2007-06-20T19:37:00.000-07:00

We made something positive happen in our lives.

Thank goodness the weight of if our relationship and thereby our entire family succeeds or fails has now been shifted to where in rightfully belongs; to our newborn daughter.

Also, my grandpa died. He was 90. He and my grandma had been married since she was 17 years old.

I think I may start blogging again. Really. No teasing.

2007-03-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

After thinking about it, I have been gone about 6 months, not a year, leave it to me the drama queen to blow it out of proportion.

So what happened? Well, one day, after yet another fight with my newly pregnent wife of 11 years, I cracked. I packed up what I could, deleted my blog and closed down all of my emails, tried to wipe away all that I had been, and walked out the door of my family's home with no intention of returning.

As some of you know, I have two daughters with a third child on the way (due in early May), but none of that was enough for me...at the time.

I have been fighting with my wife for over a decade. I was unhappy, depressed and just couldn't do it anymore. It was never going to work and never going to change.

My problem was my children. I am the child of a man who has been married 8 times and a woman who chose a younger man and an addiction over me. I know how it feels to be a kid who feels abandoned, and I couldn't stay away from my kids.

I am back. I am back here and at home. I am going to try and start over now, you're all invited to read along as I fail miserably. It should make for good reading.

I may be a blogger. Again.

2007-03-23T18:35:00.000-07:00

its been nearly a year i think.

i dont know who is still here who I may know.

so much has changed.

i think i need to vent. again. more.