Jesus I vanished again. I always do that. I'm gone for a few months and everyone's life changes around me, its scary as hell.

So since no one is see of read this, here's me and my wife...we are still married and will remain unhappily married until one of us dies I believe.

So many interesting things have happened this year I'm going to have to arrange them in my mind before I put them up here...

My wife in convinced I create turmoil in my life, whenever there is not any already going on. She believes I need it. I grew up with it and I don't know how to just be happy with the way things are, I need the drama. I need my job to suck, I need my marriage to be falling apart, I need to stress out, I need to randomly get in fist fights, I need to re-associate myself with old friends who I KNOW have probelms, I need to get too drunk and make poor life choices with the occassional completely willing young woman. I need this. I need this???? Really?

My dad is criminal who goes years without speaking to me. When he speaks, he ruins my life or borrows money.

My mom is an ex-junkie married to an alcoholic who hated me most of my life but now needs my help and my money but won't leave the husband.

My grandma is dead and her estate is in shambles.

My mom's 58 year old brother dropped dead out of the clear blue sky for no reason a week ago.

The economy is in the shitter and I'm a small business owner.

I think I"ve fucked my wife twice this summer.

I so don't need this.

Agios Nikolaus. Born in A.D. 270 in Patara, Lycia. Its part of Turkey now, but back then it was a Greek-speaking province of the Roman Empire.

By that point in history, worship of the old Roman gods had gradually waned in favor of "Sol Invictus", the "Unconquered Sun", he who was born with a halo of light on December 25th. If that last date sounds suspiciously familiar, bear with me, it gets better.

The story of Jesus was already spreading around the Mediterranean like a does of the clap and the Roman emperor Constantine didn't need a weather vane to see which way the wind was blowing.

He declared that Christianity become the official state religion of the Roman Empire (forget the fact he himself did not convert to Christianity until he lie on his death bed, drawing his last breath) cannily combining the existing - albeit contradictory, accounts of the life of Jesus with the mythology of Invictus.

Now this Agios Nikolaus (remember him form the beginning of this story?) the Turkish guy, he was subsequently appointed the Bishop of Myra, where he earned a reputation for charity, benevolence and anonymous gift-giving. Not to mention the odd miracle here and there.

Revered as a saint after his death in A.D. 343, his remains were entombed in Myra until the Saracens invaded in the 11th century whereupon the faithful shipped his bones over to the Basilica Di San Nicola in Bari, Italy. Where they remain to this day.

San Nicola being Italian of course, for Saint Nicholas, AKA, Santa Claus.

When you do the research, you usually find that what the masses believe isn't exactly the truth, the problem is that people today aren't really interested in the research.

Somehow this story relates to why I hate politicians, and is brought to mind by the current presidential race.

I know, weirdo.

I went to my grandma's funeral today. I was a paul bearer. It sucked. I cried a lot.





I saw my dad today. He had long, white, shoulder length hair. We didn't really speak. He didn't cry. He didn't acknowledge my daugters or my wife.





My full brother Scott, my mom (actual mother) and her 13 year old daughter came with me and my family (wife and three kids).





In addition, my dad's second wife Gretchen and their son Tom came, my dad's most recent wife (they're divorced now) Debbie and her daughter and mom came, and my dad brought a female date. Debbie let us know that my dad had told her that Libby, the woman my dad was with before Debbie, and who was around for about 8-years, had died; she had contracted Hep-C about 18-years ago as a nurse, and now she was dead. I was kind of sad.





So to keep track, there were three ex-wives of my dad there plus a new one on deck.





After the funeral service, he vanished. Good riddence to bad baggage (I've watched Mary Poppins 900+ times).





This was it, I now have no reason whatsoever to speak to anyone on that side of the family ever again.

Wanna see the bruise on my arm?

.

i haven't posted in almost a year and i know no one will read this and I am going to selfishly lose it here on this page.

in 1970 my mother was 17 years old, in the 11th grade and pregnant. Her strict catholic parents threw her out of the house and she moved in with my dad's parents. My dad, also 17, and being a stand up guy, dropped out of school and eventually ran away from all of this, leaving my mom and me with HIS parents.

I was born on January 3rd, 1971 and brought home with my mom to my grandparent's house. We stayed here with them until I was 3 years old. Throughout my childhood, my dad came and went from my life as did my mom, but the one person who was always there for me was my grandma.

By the time I was 10 my parents were in their mid/late twenties, my mom was dating a 18 year old and my dad was gone again. The only person interested in being anything like a parent to me was my grandma.

Between 10 and 18, I went through multiple homes, schools, step-moms and court ordered living arrangements. My father hated my grandma because I loved her so much and at times forbid her from being around me. My mother hated me for being my father's son and he hated me for so many reasons I couldn't begin to list them here.

I am not a momma's boy or a daddy's boy, they both resented me for ruining their lives; I have always wanted them both to love me like I THOUGHT a parent should love their son, but it just never worked out, it just wasn't in them. I don't know what it feels like to feel safe with your parents or to have that emotional safety net, aside from my grandma. She was the only person who loved me unconditionally.

She could never help me physical things or with money and I never asked. She just loved me. She taught me to remain positive no matter how bad it got, and at times it was very bad for me. Most of the things that I dealt with as a kid I've kept to myself; my grandma always said these things weren't hurting me as much as they were strengthening me and my character. I love her so much for that perspective.

She died yesterday, and I am absolutely crushed. I can't believe I am even typing those words.

I am grown now with a wife and three fantastic daughters but I can't help but feel like I've just lost everything. This is just so horrible.