i haven't posted in almost a year and i know no one will read this and I am going to selfishly lose it here on this page.

in 1970 my mother was 17 years old, in the 11th grade and pregnant. Her strict catholic parents threw her out of the house and she moved in with my dad's parents. My dad, also 17, and being a stand up guy, dropped out of school and eventually ran away from all of this, leaving my mom and me with HIS parents.

I was born on January 3rd, 1971 and brought home with my mom to my grandparent's house. We stayed here with them until I was 3 years old. Throughout my childhood, my dad came and went from my life as did my mom, but the one person who was always there for me was my grandma.

By the time I was 10 my parents were in their mid/late twenties, my mom was dating a 18 year old and my dad was gone again. The only person interested in being anything like a parent to me was my grandma.

Between 10 and 18, I went through multiple homes, schools, step-moms and court ordered living arrangements. My father hated my grandma because I loved her so much and at times forbid her from being around me. My mother hated me for being my father's son and he hated me for so many reasons I couldn't begin to list them here.

I am not a momma's boy or a daddy's boy, they both resented me for ruining their lives; I have always wanted them both to love me like I THOUGHT a parent should love their son, but it just never worked out, it just wasn't in them. I don't know what it feels like to feel safe with your parents or to have that emotional safety net, aside from my grandma. She was the only person who loved me unconditionally.

She could never help me physical things or with money and I never asked. She just loved me. She taught me to remain positive no matter how bad it got, and at times it was very bad for me. Most of the things that I dealt with as a kid I've kept to myself; my grandma always said these things weren't hurting me as much as they were strengthening me and my character. I love her so much for that perspective.

She died yesterday, and I am absolutely crushed. I can't believe I am even typing those words.

I am grown now with a wife and three fantastic daughters but I can't help but feel like I've just lost everything. This is just so horrible.