Monday, August 6, 2007


Well, sex has lost its appeal for the foreseeable future. I mean, blow jobs and cunnilingus are possibilities, but intercourse is a little off putting just now with the prospect of another child as a product of the fucking.

To think that my entire life, everything, every aspect of it could change with just one drunken slip of the cock is more than a bit scary.

I never liked fucking. I like oral sex. MY parents were 16 and 17 when they had me, and as a result, when I was growing up, all my dad ever said to me was, "you better watch where you put that thing, you get some girl knocked up don't come cryin to me". He was sure I was going to repeat his high school performance and what came of it was I never had intercourse. I finally lost my virginity to a girl I had known since kindergarten, and it was only after she spent years convincing me it was all going to be ok and we were not going to be having any kids.

As an adult, that disinterest in intercourse has continued. I will gladly spend 3 hours on screwing around and foreplay, but fucking makes me nervous. The good news is that because of the lack of interest in fucking, I got really good at cunnilingus. So that's a plus.

Twice this week my wife made advances towards me, which is unheard of, and only once did I respond and even that time I didn't let us fuck, we just got each other off.

I keep waiting for the call from that girl letting me know she's been feeling nauseous in the mornings...

15 comments:

DJ MotorCityMonk said...

What methods have you and your wife used for birth control?

I've got a pretty good streak going so far. Not to jinx it but I've never unintentionally knocked up a girl. I've got 2 kids and we were trying for both of those.

For the past 5 years or so my wife and I haven't been using birth control aside from me pulling out to ejaculate on her instead of inside her. It makes me feel like a porn star plus I like the control factor with my orgasms. After ejaculating thousands of times you get pretty good at the timing thing.

Jesus Toast said...

I'm on the same page as you. My wife is allergic to latex, and we don't like the natural condoms, so the entire course of our relationship, nearly 14 years, we've used the "pull out like a porn star" method. We've got three kids, and each time I can remember us saying, "well I think you're going to be preggers after that one" after me NOT pulling out. My problem is the unknown situation I face with misc red haired girl

DJ MotorCityMonk said...

If I were you I would find out TODAY if she suspects there might be a problem. Women are pretty good about that kinda thing and you are probably worrying for nothing.

Is there any way you can get a hold of her to find out anything?

Jesus Toast said...

about a week after "The Red Event" (that's what I'm calling it) I spoke with her and she totally blew it off as a joke and was not worried about it...which may be a good sign. If I came inside of her, she would have known while cleaning up then or changing her sheets later, I asked,she blew it off and joked about it so chances are nothing happened. Right? Please say "right".

DJ MotorCityMonk said...

I would have to agree. She's probably on the pill or some other form of birth control anyway. I mean, she sounds pretty sleazy to me, I mean she banged you, right? (just messing with ya)

All kidding aside - it sounds like it was no big deal and she's not worried about anything so I would just forget about it if I were you. It doesn't sound like you should be worrying about it. Check back with her in a month or so just to be sure everything is still cool.

Liz said...

OMG! Quit obsessing about it. I'm sure it's fine, and worrying yourself sick isn't gonna change anything.

The fact that both of you have been using the "pull-out" method for so long floors me. You two have really beaten the odds on that one. You don't want to know how many times I've seen that go wrong. You both need vasectomies-stat!

Jesus Toast said...

When I called my lawyer to ask him advice on how to handle this if it was a worst case scenario (yep, you heard me right, I called my lawyer)the first thing he said, in a very condescending parental sort of way was, "You didn't go see Dr. Johns, did you"; that was the name of the Dr. he told me to go see to get my vasectomy immediately following the birth of my third child.

La Sirena said...

Sorry, Nonny --- but properly executed the pull-out method, combined with knowing-your biological-calendar is at least as effective against pregnancy as condoms (both about 90%).

JT, you need to get the fuck over this. Right now. Seriously. For real. Intercourse won't kill you, vaginas won't put splinters into your dick. If the lady blew it off, there wasn't a problem, or if there was she handled it.

(In the future, if you are concerned, discuss the issue the next morning and encourage use of the morning-after pill. Or just go get the vasectomy, since you seem to forget to pull out.)

Stop having sex outside of your marriage if it turns you into a puddle of neuroses. Just some friendly bossy advice.

Jesus Toast said...

La Sirena - wanna fuck?

DJ MotorCityMonk said...

I like La Sirena's advice.

Forget about Nonny - my wife has been trying to get me in for the big V for years now and I won't even consider an initial consultation. Some guys can do it, others can't. Say what you will.

I like my equipment FULLY functional and will let nature take it's course accordingly. I've proven I can pull out and not forget (unlike Mr. Toast) and if I should ever need to procreate another Monk Jr. I'm ready, willing and able.

DJ MotorCityMonk said...

sorry - meant to say "forget about it Nonny".

La Sirena said...

JT -- I don't fuck the guilt-ridden. (At least guilt-ridden re: sex.)

La Sirena said...

You should check out my double secret blog tho.

http://miasopa.blogspot.com

Nobody said...

I love sucking dick.

That's all.

DJ MotorCityMonk said...

I love Eve.